Birth Mother Support: Megan Pater’s Story of Healing and Hope
Life isn’t always easy, and sometimes it’s full of wrong turns.
Megan Pater found herself in a very difficult situation in 2007. Shortly after being released from prison for fraud, she discovered she was pregnant.
“I didn’t have a car or a job, I wasn’t in a relationship with the baby’s father. I had so many things going wrong for me, and I didn’t want to bring a child into the mess,” said Megan.
Deciding on Adoption
“When I found out I was pregnant, I felt stuck and unprepared,” Megan said.
She wanted to give the baby a chance at life, so, around the six-week mark of her pregnancy, she ended up finding an adoptive family for her child.
At her mother’s suggestion, she had contacted her grade school math teacher. She asked this teacher, who had aged out of the adoption agency she was working with, if she would be interested in taking the baby.
This was not just a former teacher of Megan’s, but also a family friend that had been struggling with infertility for a long time. She was thrilled at the opportunity to adopt Megan’s baby.
“I didn’t want an abortion and knew that I didn’t have the capacity to raise a child,” Megan explained. “[My child’s adoptive mother] and I bonded to the point that she felt like another mom to me. She was able to give [my child] the life she deserved.”
Megan gave birth to a baby girl on March 28, 2008 and felt at peace after cutting the umbilical cord and placing the baby in her adoptive mother’s arms.
“Peace for me felt like a huge weight off my chest,” she said. “I was happy to see her in good hands.”
She kept an open adoption, so she would still have the opportunity to see her daughter over the coming years.
Even though not all aspects of her relationship with her daughter have gone as planned, she had a positive adoption experience. Megan maintains a friendship with her daughter’s adoptive mother, and her daughter is close to Megan’s biological son.
Finding Healing in Helping Others
Megan admits to struggling with mental health her whole life, but she felt confident in her decision to place her child for adoption. She was supported by [her daughter’s adoptive mother], who came to visit her regularly during the pregnancy.
However, she learned not all pregnant women are as fortunate.
“Pregnancy for me was great, so at first I didn’t realize other birth mothers really struggled during their pregnancy,” Megan continued.
But in talking to others, she realized that many birth mothers didn’t share her positive experience with pre- and post-adoption support, and grappled with a sense of loss and grief.
So, Megan decided to help. She founded the organization Birthmom Buddies, a birth mother support group, to advocate for more mental health resources for birth mothers, and started promoting her organization with different birth mother and adoption associations.
“I took the approach of offering birth moms customized support, kind of like an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) at school,” said Megan.
“We help them achieve personal stability and make sure they have a path to income and a place to stay after the hospital. I try to meet birth moms in the hospital because they often don’t have a ride home. I check in with people frequently [during their postpartum recovery] as well.”
Her community grew to over 200 birth mothers at its peak, and she received grant funding to expand her work.
Through Birthmom Buddies, Megan developed many mutually beneficial relationships with birth mothers, but the experience wasn’t without its struggles.
For instance, it was incredibly hard for Megan when woman she was working with committed suicide because of her personal mental health and life challenges.
However, this tragedy only spurred Megan to carry on with renewed vigor.
“I now am working on policy change,” said Megan, who is trying to get more people to sign the Mental Health Support for Birth Mothers Act, which would fund counseling and therapy, support groups, and telehealth services for birth mothers before and after the adoption.
She is hoping to collect signatures for the Act and find a senator to sponsor it.
Learning from Her Mistakes
Many different circumstances have prompted Megan to get her life back together after her release from prison, and she has learned many skills along the way.
For example, she discovered that she needed routine and discipline, and her time in prison taught her the importance of always being on a set schedule with structure.
She also learned that she needed creative outlets, and often found herself starting her own organizations to address problems she saw.
In addition to Birthmom Buddies, she runs ECE Solutions, where she coaches people, particularly birth mothers and returning citizens, to take control of their financial future by improving their credit.
“I made bad choices and I paid the consequences for those, but I came out of my challenges a better person by being there for other people and showing them that I know what it’s like to be in their shoes,” said Megan.
“I want to be a role model for my daughter and others.”
“For other people who find themselves in dark places, I want them to know it’s okay to fail as long as you pick yourself back up again,” added Megan.
“I failed many times. Don’t be so hard on yourself and don’t expect the world of yourself. I learned that you need to love yourself first before you can love others.”
Megan has found giving back to other birth moms through Birthmom Buddies to be incredibly rewarding, and encourages people to turn their past pain into compassion and support for others in similar situations.
“There is healing in helping others,” she concluded.
Where to Find More Birth Mother Support and Resources
Adoption is a life-changing journey for both birth parents and adoptive parents, and finding the right support can make a significant difference.
Many birth parents benefit from connecting with others who understand their unique experiences. Finding an adoption community where you can talk with other birth parents can provide comfort, encouragement, and a sense of community.
There are many birth parent support groups available both online and in-person, offering safe spaces to share stories, ask questions, and find healing.
Organizations like Birthmom Buddies, BraveLove, and local adoption agencies often host birth parent support groups and events where both birth parents and adoptive parents can build connections and gain guidance through the adoption process.
If you’re looking for personalized help, reaching out to adoption counselors, nonprofit organizations, or local support groups focused on supporting birth parents is a great place to start.
They can point you toward a helpful online support group, adoption professional, or whatever else you might need on your adoption journey.
