My Goodbye Letter: Moving Away from Montana with Gratitude

Goodbyes are painful, especially when one is moving away from friends and family. I’m leaving my wonderful home state of Montana and transitioning to a new life across the country.

In my healing journey, I’ve written many unsent letters to the abuser and her enablers.

Lately, I’ve been focusing those letters on expressing not just my feelings about what they did or failed to do but also recognition for any good things they did and ways their words and/or actions pushed me to grow.

I’m also writing goodbye letters to places instrumental in shaping me, including one to my beloved home state.

My Goodbye Letter to The State and Towns That Shaped Me

Dear Montana,

My heart is full of gratitude for all the experiences here, and I will miss you when I leave. Part of my heart will always remain in Montana. The land echoes in my bones and flows through my veins.

I’m so lucky to have grown up in the same state as several generations of my family.

I was born in a valley, and the mountains wove themselves into my first breaths. The prairie etched itself beneath my skin. I grew up loving the land, playing hard, and paying attention to the natural world.

Many of my favorite childhood memories were created on my grandparents’ farm, where I ran wild, holding hands with the ever-present wind. I dug into the soil, turning over interesting rocks, worms, and sometimes broken bits of antique dinnerware.

I held tiny, fluffy chicks, learned to ride bareback, and explored. I’d help with gardening and other chores as well, but I was free to just be. Outdoor cats lived in the metal shed, and searching for the kittens delighted me.

In the evening, after I’d washed off the prairie dirt and put on a nightgown, I snuggled next to my grandma on the davenport and cross-stitched, embroidered, or worked on other fancy work with her.

I’d sometimes cuddle next to my grandpa on the swinging bench, listen to the birds, and watch the sun set over the prairie, which was filled with hidden treasures and beauty.

It Is Also the Place Where My Whole Life Changed

The farm was my refuge, especially after the school year when my teacher abused me. I felt safer from her there than anywhere in my hometown. She didn’t know exactly where it was located. Plus, it was a community where everyone watched out for each other.

I was sheltered from her and her enablers while I was at the farm.

Speaking of Mrs. Smith (pseudonym), I still cannot bring myself to be grateful for those experiences. However, even if I could go back in time and change them, I wouldn’t.

There are people whose lives I’ve been able to change in a small (or larger) way because of the knowledge I’ve gained from what happened.

I don’t want to alter that. I also like who I am. Each event, including the horrific ones, shaped me.

I mourn what I lost, including all the possible other selves. But I celebrate who I am and what I’ve accomplished so far in my life. I love myself now.

I Have Said Goodbye to Montana Before (And Come Home)

The first time I left Montana, I was 19 years old and felt pushed out by the cruelty of my abuser and her enablers. I came back over a decade later for family reasons.

During my time back, I’ve lived in the sheltering arms of the Rims, in the Magic City, my hometown.

When I returned to my beloved home state, my abuser and some of her enablers still held prominence in the city. I had many worries about what she and/or they might do to me.

However, my family came first, and I swallowed my fears to follow what my heart told me was right. The abuser died not long after I returned, and the relief at knowing little girls were safer—as was I—felt profound.

Life changed immensely for me while I was here. I faced some lessons in different forms that I still needed to learn, such as how to advocate for myself.

Situations that created the need for self-advocacy (bullying, discrimination, and other casual but harmful cruelty) were painful but ultimately propelled me to greater growth. I reclaimed my voice.

Additionally, I learned which dreams I needed to release and which I could retain. With the help of my soul sister, I’ve also been able to realize some dreams.

Leaving a Town You Love, Along With Family and Friends and Familiar Places, is Not Easy

As I prepare to leave, I’m visiting some places in the state and around the city that hold meaning for me. I’m sharing gratitude for the ways those places have shaped me into who I am and creating a bundle with small rocks from each of the places.

This way, I can carry with me the energy of the land that formed me. No matter what occurred in each location (including the elementary school where I experienced extreme abuse), I thank it for how it shaped me through both the accomplishments and the challenges.

Of course, moving away requires going through one’s possessions. I have been brutal with myself as I sort through items.

I’m only carrying forward those belongings for which I see a use in the near future (e.g., art supplies), that have important memories associated with them (e.g., photos), or that are family heirlooms.

Along with donating belongings that no longer quite fit me, I have released beliefs that no longer serve. For instance, I am relinquishing the beliefs that I am worthless, undeserving, etc., and replacing them with the acknowledgment that I am worthy, lovable, and more.

Most of the shame has now been handed back to the abuser, who always should have carried it.

Although there is more work to be done on the healing journey, the progress I’ve made has been tremendous. As an insightful, kind friend said, I basically took a nuclear wasteland and revitalized it into a beautiful, healing, peaceful park with gorgeous trees and flowers.

I understand that I will still face bumps along the way. But I know I can make it. No matter what setbacks occur, I will figure it out and make progress, one step at a time. I have more hope.

I Will Miss My Family and Friends When I Move Away

However, at this point, I am equipped for whatever lies ahead.

Montana taught me to prepare for the trails ahead, anticipating potential hazards for any adventure. I decided to apply that to my healing and prepare for possible obstacles (like the difficulties of moving).

Even though I will revisit some challenges, I will see them from a different perspective, just like seeing the same scenery from various vantage points on mountain switchbacks.

I could not have done healing work without a community of support. The hardest farewells are to my amazing friends and chosen family here. I don’t know where I would be or who I would be without them, and I am going to miss them terribly.

This supportive circle of friends has helped me and watched me grow, cheering me on, giving me shoulders to cry on, and made me laugh. I’ve tried to do the same for them.

I am leaving Montana with so much gratitude for all I’ve learned and experienced here. I am gently ending this chapter in order to begin another across the country. My life will change, though the relationships I treasure and the lessons I’ve learned will remain.

I will never forget the lessons this state taught me about freedom, love, life, responsibility, community, and so many more important aspects of life. I have the most amazing friends here. We enhance each other’s lives and have so much fun.

I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m hopeful it includes a visit back here soon.

Montana, there is no state like you. The endless sky curves over us like a blanket. The mountains soar above, and the prairies dance in the wind. I can breathe here. It’s easy to find a quiet spot to reflect and meditate. I will miss that in my new locale.

As I say goodbye to this beautiful state, I send best wishes to everyone I’ve encountered, including those who have hurt me.

I’ve realized that although not everything happens for a reason, a person can create beauty as they heal. I use what I learn from the harm to create help for others.

My life here hasn’t been perfect, but it has been beautiful. As I move forward, I am writing a new story for myself.

Montana has been and will be an important chapter in my life story. I embrace the past and present and look to the future with hope. I’ve lived here most of my life, and I hope I will be back to visit family and friends soon.

I will remain forever a Montana girl at heart, and part of my heart will always belong to Montana.

Love always,

Donna

I Don’t Know What Will Happen After Moving Away

However, I know that I will embrace this moment.

This state and the people here make it hard to move for all the reasons I listed and more. I shed many tears while deciding to move away.

I have had a lot of changes in my life in the past few years, especially, such as needing to leave a job because of Long COVID, making it impossible to work the long hours necessary.

I’ve reassessed what matters most to me, and I will no longer sacrifice the health I have left. I want to enjoy living closer to family on the East Coast and build a relationship with them all. I’m embracing a new challenge as I move.

Parts of me will always be with Montana, and Montana will always be with me.

Share your experience of moving away from home with us in the comment section below.