When I began my healing journey, my quest for self-discovery, and radical self-acceptance, I didn’t know it would culminate in me wanting to say thank you. It felt like expressing gratitude for some of my pain, trauma, and experiences was just impossible.
However, in the quiet moments of reflection, I find myself drawn to thoughts of my grandmother, turned adopted mom. Her influence on my life is a tapestry woven with threads of love, anger, resilience, tears, wisdom, and trauma.
I recently find myself feeling the deepest gratitude for the lessons she has imparted, despite the complexities of our relationship.
I told my husband last night that it feels like she and I have experienced every emotion a human relationship can experience. She has been the savior and the villain in my life’s story, and I have been beloved and ignored.
The Idea of Saying Thank You For Painful Lessons Seems Strange
For all the positive emotions that come to mind when I think about our relationship, there are a slew of painful times. Times that have damaged my self-esteem and mental health.
The trauma I experienced as a child has often damaged my physical health as an adult.
Until this moment, it has been hard to look back at memories like being told, “You are just like your father,” whom she openly disparaged and hated, with anything but sadness for the little girl who just wanted acceptance and love.
Or being told I looked “like a clown” when I was learning to apply makeup and attempting to build self-confidence as a young woman.
It was even worse when I would counter with, “Well, my friends all said I looked nice.” She would then explain how they were lying on purpose, so I would run around looking worse than them.
Then there were the times my sister and I got hit with fly swatters, shoes, or her wet hand. And that one Christmas, when I fell and hit the corner of my eye on the dresser after getting backhanded for “talking back.”
There were so many instances I could keep going, but I think you get the idea.
Like with any relationship where abuse is present, all the moments were not bad. She is an incredibly big-hearted woman who put her life on hold to raise her grandchildren.
We were clothed and fed well. There were lots of family vacations and happy memories.
It is Difficult to Say Thank You for Complex Relationships
Incorporating a gratitude practice, like journaling, into my daily routine has been transformative. It helped me make peace with things I couldn’t understand.
Regularly documenting things I am grateful for, proud of, and excited about helps me cultivate an attitude of gratitude, reflect on personal accomplishments, and express thanks to others.
As I’ve delved deeper into psychology while working on my Ph.D., in my personal work at therapy, and through my work with ResilientStories, my feelings for her have evolved.
If you had told me even 3 or 4 years ago that I would be at a place in my healing journey where I could be truly grateful, I would have called you crazy.
Sure, I understood the positive psychology aspect of the power of practicing gratitude, letting go, and even forgiveness. But it just seemed wrong to express appreciation for a relationship fraught with angst.
Gratitude for Our Grandmothers Begins Before We Are Even Born
I’ve realized that life begins with our grandmothers. This concept is rooted in science. When a woman carries her daughter, she also carries part of her future grandchildren.
During fetal development, a female fetus develops all the eggs she will ever have while still in the womb.
This means that while my grandmother was carrying my mother, a part of me was also there. What a beautiful and intricate connection to have with someone. This emphasizes the importance of expressing gratitude for this foundational bond.
In honoring our grandmothers, we honor the roots of our being. We acknowledge the profound impact they have had on our lives and the lives of those who come after us.
We recognize that their influence is not just a part of our past, but a guiding force for our future.
This scientific fact intertwines with the spiritual notion that our grandmothers are the roots of our family trees. They are the foundations upon which generations are built. The wisdom, strength, and love of our grandmothers flow through us, shaping who we are and who we will become.
Grandmothers foster goodwill in families by encouraging the cycle of giving and receiving, affecting others with their appreciation and love.
My grandmother often tells me that I am like her. For a long time, I resisted this comparison, cringing at the thought.
Yet, as I grow older, I see the profound truth in her words.
Everything that exists in my life today, the good and the challenging, is directly because of her presence and influence.
Her strength and love, mixed with the trauma she inflicted, have been a guiding force, shaping me in ways I am only beginning to understand fully.
The Power of Perception: How Practicing Gratitude Helps Improve Your Well-Being
In my journey of self-discovery, I’ve come to believe that things don’t happen to us or even for us; they simply happen.
Yet, I do not believe these events are random but rather they are opportunities to get closer to our true, authentic selves. Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle captures this beautifully: “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it.”
How we respond contributes to our overall life satisfaction.
This perspective transforms our experiences into powerful lessons, each one a stepping stone on our path of growth.
Every moment, struggle, and joy we encounter is an invitation to learn and evolve. Pema Chödrön, another revered spiritual teacher, said, “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”
This idea has been a guiding light for me recently, helping me see challenges not as burdens but as opportunities for growth.
Expressing gratitude can also strengthen relationships, fostering goodwill and encouraging a cycle of giving and receiving.
There was a time in my life when I could not get behind the “everything happens for a reason” bandwagon, even writing this about it a few years back:
People are usually at a loss for words when dealing with trauma and will try to use the “things happen for a reason” card to rationalize some people’s traumatic experiences.
I had a friend read a story I wrote once about my childhood abuse and abandonment. She said that I was meant to live the life I had so I could write about it and help others.
An excerpt from Is It True That Things Happen for a Reason?, an article by Danielle Dahl for everydaypower.com
I said it back then, and I still sometimes wonder, even know, that there just had to have been an easier way.
Embracing Empathy and Purpose: How to Express Appreciation For Who You Are
In my work with Resilient Stories, I’ve witnessed firsthand the transformative power of sharing our experiences.
Our platform has helped individuals realize their career dreams and has touched the lives of many who have shared their stories of healing with us. Despite the stress of finances and the challenges of running a business, I can feel my soul pulsing with purpose.
This sense of purpose is guided by affirmations that have become a mantra for me: “I will not be contained,” “I am thankful,” and “I am magical.”
These affirmations remind me of the strength and resilience that my grandmother has passed down to me, a legacy that I am proud to carry forward, even as I acknowledge the pain she caused.
The Journey of Self-Discovery and Self Esteem
As I reflect on my grandmother’s influence, I am filled with empathy, understanding, and gratitude. Her love, her teachings, and her spirit live on in me.
Yet, I also recognize the trauma she inflicted and the impact it has had on my life. This duality is part of my journey of self-discovery, learning to embrace the parts of me that are like her while healing from the wounds she caused.
This journey is not always easy, but it is profoundly rewarding. It requires us to confront our past, understand the influences that have shaped us, and make choices that align with our true values. It is a journey of resilience, finding strength in vulnerability, and growing into our true selves.
Acknowledging Different Healing Journeys and Views on Thankfulness
I understand that not everyone is in the same place in their healing journey. For some, the idea of finding gratitude amidst a traumatic event can seem impossible and even detrimental.
In an article for Psychology Today, Dr. Odelya Gertel Kraybill explains that attempts to be positive can sometimes exacerbate pain rather than alleviate it. Trauma survivors often experience a heightened state of alertness and a sense of perpetual danger, making it difficult to engage in positive thinking or gratitude.
The healing process is deeply personal and varied. For many, withdrawal and feelings of shame, guilt, and unworthiness are dominant responses after trauma.
As Kraybill notes, the key to moving forward is awareness—awareness of how trauma affects the brain, staying present, and being mindful of body sensations. These steps help survivors gradually expand their capacity to endure pain without overwhelming themselves.
Compassion, especially self-compassion, is crucial. Dr. Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as a protective, positive self-attitude that can guard against the negative consequences of self-judgment and isolation.
It involves being kind to oneself, recognizing our shared humanity, and maintaining mindfulness. These practices help survivors manage their emotions and begin to heal.
For those who find gratitude challenging, it’s important to start with self-compassion.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling without judgment. Over time, as you build your capacity to endure pain, you may find it easier to experience moments of gratitude and joy.
It Can Be Incredibly Freeing to Say Thank You For Thing You Never Thought You Would
In the end, my journey of gratitude and self-discovery has led me to a deeper, more nuanced appreciation of my grandmother. Her strength, resilience, and love have been a guiding force in my life, shaping me into the person I am today.
As I continue to grow and evolve, I carry her legacy with me, embracing the lessons she has taught me and the strength she has instilled in me while also acknowledging and healing from the trauma.
To anyone reading this, I encourage you to reflect on the influence of your own grandmother or the matriarchs in your life.
Embrace the lessons they have taught you. Carry their legacy forward with love, strength, and gratitude. Find the courage to heal from any pain they may have caused.
Life is a journey of self-discovery, and our grandmothers are the guiding lights that help us find our way.
For those still in the midst of their healing journey, know that it’s okay to be where you are. Healing is not a linear process, and each step you take is significant.
Practice self-compassion and give yourself the grace to heal at your own pace. The path to gratitude and understanding is a personal one, and your journey is uniquely yours.
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