When my husband and I first suspected that my son Joseph had a developmental delay back in 1995, I had no idea how difficult accepting an autism diagnosis would become. Joy began to leave, and fear slowly took over. I did not even know what was before us, but all I could think about was the daunting future that I imagined for Joseph.
Joseph was diagnosed as autistic shortly after that. All the what-if thoughts began to flood my mind and filled me up with anxiety.
- What if Joseph never speaks?
- What if he won’t be able to go to school?
- What if he is bullied?
- What if he never drives a car?
- What if he can’t live independently?
The fearful thoughts went on and on, and Joseph was only 3 years old.
Accepting an Autism Diagnosis When Fear Takes Over
To put things in perspective, this was a time when the only reference most of us had for autism was Rain Man. There was hardly any information back then. Doctors told us that Joseph would likely be institutionalized. The future seemed extremely bleak.
I looked at our life and our future with nothing but fear in my eyes. Everything looked the same moments before I heard the words that my son was autistic. But now it was as if I was looking through a different lens.
Somehow my vision was altered in a moment. I was no longer able to see the beauty and feel the joy I had felt before that moment.
In an instant, all I could see before me and my son was a future of sorrow. And I did not want that to be true. I worked so hard to prove that there was a solution to make the diagnosis untrue and to end all the pain we were feeling.
Accepting an Autism Diagnosis Meant Letting Go of the Future I Imagined
Looking back, I finally understand what was happening—denial. It’s a mismatch between the enormous pain of the present reality and the limit of the burden that the soul can accept at that time.
What my husband and I were denying back then was that the life we envisioned for our son was not the life that was to be.
When I was in denial, I was exhausted and never looked up to enjoy what was in any given moment. I missed the beauty right in front of me. My son was filled with joy, and I was filled with sadness.
I had an intelligent little boy right in front of me with a smile that would stop you dead in your tracks. My love for my son was profoundly deep, and yet, when I lost focus on this love, acceptance of his diagnosis was not reachable.
Love Helped Me See the Child Who Was Already There
Eventually, my sight came back from seeing with fear to seeing with joy when I realized that I had the same exact child I had before he was diagnosed with autism.
He was and is one of the most loving and intelligent humans that I know. I began to shift my focus to what I did know rather than what I did not know. When I listed what I did know, the joy began to come back into my life. It was a shift from fearing the unknown to living with what is.
I finally found acceptance when I let go of trying to get a different answer than what my son Joseph’s diagnosis was. For us, the shift toward acceptance happened when we realized that our love for our son was greater than our love for the outcome we had imagined.
Many mothers I’ve coached struggled with acceptance of their children’s autism diagnosis. Denial is sometimes protection we use to keep us from completely falling apart.
Accepting an Autism Diagnosis Doesn’t Have to Happen All at Once
I talk a lot about being okay with not being okay. Trying to accept something you cannot at the moment creates more friction and can even lead to shame. So the step forward in that case is acceptance of where you are.
As a life coach, I see people who are struggling to accept a challenging situation in their life right now. It might be a breakup, a diagnosis, or the death of a loved one. I tell them what I have learned from my own experience:
Allow yourself to be where you are. Be kind to yourself for not being able to accept something difficult and painful. For me, denial was part of the process.
When you sense change happening inside of you—maybe a slight softening of your heart or an opening—and you feel ready for the next step, take a moment and list all the beautiful things about your life.
Once you have listed them all, read them out loud. Enjoy the feeling of joy flooding back into your heart.
I learned that joy could still exist alongside the fear, even when I had to consciously look for it.
You sometimes have to consciously cultivate it. Acceptance for me is about knowing that love truly conquers all. The love for my son anchors me back to what is beautiful and joyful. When those scary thoughts hit us, we can accept that no matter how dark the future seems, it is only a thought, not what is. And when what is is hard, connect back to what brings you joy.
Accepting an Autism Diagnosis by Returning to What Is
Today Joseph is 34 years old. I catch myself worrying, and then fear creeps into my mind with all the what-ifs.
As soon as I feel the love I have for my son and remember what I do know to be true, fear leaves me. I choose to be anchored in that love.
What I know for sure is that my son is more joyful than I could have ever dreamed of. He is a beautiful, loving son. My heart becomes full of love when I see him walk into a room.
***
Brigitte M. Volltrauer Shipman is an author, life coach, speaker, and teacher. She specializes in coaching mothers with children diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD). Her current book is A Mother’s Guide Through Autism, Through The Eyes of The Guided. She is also the author of Is It a God Thing? Learn more at mothersguidethroughautism.com.
Do you have experience with accepting an autism diagnosis? You can share your experiences in the comment section below.
0 Comments