Written by: Ani Czyczynsky
I’ve been asked to tell you who I am. I am someone who does not want to be here in this little box on my cell phone screen championing my own lemonade out of lemons lore. I do so wish that my life had been easier.
That I had little to share about how I’ve muddled and emerged through trying times. But alas, I do have much to share.
I know, I know. People say that we need the hard times in order to appreciate the good times. However, I think that’s a crock of crap.
I’ve always been grateful for everything that I have. Be it reasonable intelligence, good health, creative leanings, loving friends, a rewarding career, beautiful children…the list goes on.
This is Who I Am
I’m one of those people that others look at and wonder how I have become who I am after hearing my stories. How it is that I’m not entirely fucked up, laying in a fetal position on some proverbial street corner.
But this is what I want you to know: I don’t take credit for my resilience. I am not worthy of the wonder of which I am looked upon. Nor do I embrace life in spite of or despite my myriad challenges. I am not motivated to rise victorious by visions of a better me.
I have transformed my pain and suffering because I have had no other choice. This is how I am wired. This is who I am.
Answering Life’s Questions
When I was young, my mother told me I was the only person she knew that could literally fall into a pile of shit and stand up smelling like a rose. “How on earth do you do that?” she would ask.
And I would tell her, “I don’t know.” Because I was maybe 7 years old. Or 8. Or 9. And 10. How else could I have answered that back then? My capacity for cognitive clarity was merely a fraction of what it would become.
However, now I think I know the answer to her question and wish she were alive to hear it. The reason I stand up smelling like a rose is because I have a very low tolerance for shit.
Discovering Who I Am Has Been a Process
I grew up in an environment characterized by multiple disruptions. Including most of the abuses (emotional, sexual, physical), myriad traumas, and profound losses. My developmental milestones were reached despite an abundant absence of comfort, safety, and joy.
As you can imagine, I spent my youth feeling anxious, sad, and confused. (Does all that count as one huge pile of shit or multiple piles? Or is that just a distinction without a difference?)
Throughout those years, I retreated to the richness of my fantasies, where bicycles became horses on bouncing ball planets. I was catapulted here and there and often landed in my brilliantly lit glass house on an ocean floor.
I also learned to scrounge the gutters and alleys for found objects like broken hood ornaments, colored foils and fibers, bendable sticks, torn magazines and newspapers, misshapen plastics, and dented coins. Objects I needed to furnish a doll house I’d constructed out of shoe boxes, their respective lids, and dull gray duct tape.
Without my alternate dream world and scrounging endeavors, the shit would have clung to me like a second skin and would have been more corrosive than the circumstances that landed me in it.
So I ask you, what choice did I have?
I would rather be dead than permanently self-pitying. Yes, that is a rather dramatic statement, but it’s true. To define myself as pitiful means I’m stuck in the shit, and there is no hope of even standing up, let alone emerging as some floral-scented radiance.
Death, as in the absence of Being, is preferable to living in a quicksand of crap where the stench takes up permanent residence in my pores, and the isolation and struggle is guaranteed and prolonged.
So, keep that in mind as I tell you that even after a harrowing early start in life (by the time I was 12, I could articulate that I was more afraid to live than I was to die), tragedies and loss have continued to find me. The details don’t even matter.
You already know enough to understand that whatever blows we experience in life are ultimately irrelevant.
How Do You Answer Who Am I?
What matters is the answer to the question, who am I? Am I a victim (which implies an identity permeated by powerlessness)? Or did something happen that knocked me down, after which I was able, at some point, to stand up and consult my internal compass for guidance?
Don’t get me wrong. Just because I have no tolerance for dwelling in dung doesn’t mean that getting up and transforming myself has been easy.
There have been times when I didn’t have the energy to move. Times when I wanted someone else to pick me up and just place me strategically like a chess piece on a checkered board.
Times when I thought there had to be a quota on crap, and surely I paid my dues in full.
Life Can Be Unfair
It’s not fair that I had four mothers before I was four years old or that my sister died at 40.
It’s unbearable that my daughter’s daughter died.
Did I really lose 2 loved ones to witness protection under separate circumstances 14 years apart? How did I survive a physical assault when I was 22, two high-speed vehicle accidents (from passenger seats), as well as randomly launched mortars in Middle East combat zones?
Why did my college roommate die at 36, my favorite coworker at 42, and my childhood bestie at 47?
There have been times when I wished and even prayed for eternal slumber to grant my release. In fact, efforts to “bounce back” (the current popular definition of resilience) are agonizing because it isn’t even possible, for there is no return to a former Self.
Reinventing oneself, however, can be just as agonizing as a fruitless endeavor, but at least it has an enormous potential to expand skill sets and self-awareness. The process of reinvention takes time and requires tremendous patience
I Honor Who I Am
So, now I am here, writing away in this tiny box, talking about a big trait that can, for others, be learned. For me, though, it is intrinsic to my spirit. Part of who I am. I believe that I have always used my imagination to create worlds I want to live in.
Currently, those worlds are not the desperate fantasies of my youth, merely contained in my dreams. Instead of a makeshift dollhouse stuffed with street litter, my lovely and consciously curated home provides the safety and warmth that was missing from my childhood houses.
The confusion of my youth has morphed from caustic quipping into an energy that fuels my determination. My sadness from self-doubt is now an empathy that defines my personal and professional connections.
My anxiety from being an observer of life into an engaged trust that allows me to risk stepping into the unknown.
Resilience has always been a part of who I am, but I’ve earned the capacities for energy, empathy, and trust. I take full credit for acquiring these traits and for keeping what I have by giving it away.
What does my resilience look like in the face of a challenge?
- Permission to feel sorry for myself (temporarily)
- Acceptance of what’s so (just the facts)
- Belief that nothing is static (even the intolerable eventually becomes tolerable)
- Positive self-talk (which sounds identical to the ‘you’ve-got-this’ voice I used with my children)
- Connection (supportive friends, family, pets, higher power, etc.)
- Possession of an internal locus of control (I am not dependent on external things to happen before I experience an improved quality of living)
When I was in my 50s, someone told me I was an odds defier. They explained that children who grow up in “the system” rarely complete high school, let alone go on to finish college, earn a Master’s degree, publish writings, own a business, or become a commissioned officer in the Army (at the age of 51).
I told this person that my abhorrence for labels was likely the reason I did not view myself as a “foster child,” “adult adoptee,” or “odds defier.”
My thought is that the second a label is applied to a person, we assume to know more about them than we do. We also assume that person represents the entire population to whom that label might apply – maybe more can be said about this another time.
Being Resilient is How I Am Wired
So, here I was again being asked to explain what it was my mother always wanted to know: how I could rise from shit, smelling rose-like?
I explained I just put one foot in front of the other, kept my antenna up for possibilities, and focused, as much as I could, on the present moment.
Those moments of “just being me” have piled up into decades of having had an exceptionally fulfilling life.
I see now (as I approach my 65th birthday) that my stories have not created the narrative of my life. I have. My experiences are just a chronology of events. I do not judge them as good or bad, fortunate or unfortunate, opportunities or adversities.
I did not need my particular stories to turn me into the person I am today. This is why I dislike talking about my metaphorical lemonade – and maybe, too, it’s because I think lemons, in their own right, are delicious!
For I have always been this person, a resilient human. I will only take credit for how I have emerged from various dung heaps but never for how I am wired, for which I have had no say and for which I have always been grateful.
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This is really an insightful and inspirational story with messages that truly resonate, no matter what our personal journeys have been. Thank you for writing your story for others to hear.
Thank you so much for reading and taking a moment to leave a comment. We are glad you found some inspiration and hope you take a moment to read some of the other stories.
One of the most beautiful things I love about Anika is her ability to exude joy and positivity in her being. One would never know that she has faced the trauma that most of us will never know. Her tenaciousness and ability to rise above unimaginable obstacles utilizing fantasy, dreams, problem-solving and innate resilience is her gift. How wonderful that she has been able to provide valuable counsel to many seeking to rise above their own personal tragedies.
She is an inspiration and a wonderful human, for sure! Thanks for reading and taking a moment to comment. Please consider signing up for our monthly newsletter and stay up to date on all our resilient stories!
Having known you for many years now, reading this was very hard. I cannot fathom the things you’ve gone through. I recall many conversations in which we addressed stories on both ends and just left it as “is what it is.” I resonate highly with this article. Thank you for sharing this. Please continue to share your experience and view point. You’ll never know who is listening and needs to hear it.
Thanks for leaving the author a comment! We appreciate it, and also hope you take a moment to read and comment on some of the other inspirational content as well.
Thank you, Gage, for taking the time to read this and share your thoughts. I’m so very glad that our paths have crossed!
Ani, I have known you through many of those “hard knocks” in your life. I have often wondered how you were able to “bounce back”. You are “wired that way”, and with a “little help from your friends” seems to be the answer. Love you and I cherish your friendship.
We are grateful she chose to share her story with us and help the many people coming here for resilient stories and helpful content on building their own resilience. Thanks so much for leaving a comment. If you can take a moment to read some of the other stories too, we would appreciate it!
Yes, Merrett, you are right and have definitely been a reliable friend for a long long time. I’m so grateful for you.
I love your insights and am honored to have been your friend through some of these life changing events. The word resilience doesn’t do your super power justice. Helping those who don’t naturally emerge smelling like a rose tap into their own resilience is another gift you have given many.
Thank you for leaving a comment and pointing out that very important distinction! She did not keep her gift to herself, and instead chose a career where she could help others. Anika is amazing, and we are thankful she chose us to share her story with! If you have a moment to check out some of the other touching stories on the site, we would appreciate it.
Diana, thank you for reading this article and for always seeing the best in me. What a remarkable friendship we have had for most of our lives! xo
Wow! Thank you for sharing your walk in life and how you are an eloquent reminder of Resilience.
I am so honored to have served with you during our deployment overseas.
Since the day we met, you’ve been an inspiration also with your background such a wonderful ambassador to many of us serving. We will always remember how you touched our lives.
Thank you for your service! We are proud to give Anika’s story a home here, and appreciate you leaving a comment. We hope you take a moment to read some of the other inspirational stories on the site, as well.
Oh Lori, thank you so much for these beautiful words. I could not have gotten through that deployment without you…..what a passage that was for us both xo
Your story inspires me to be more self-aware. I knew you were a special person from the moment I first met you. Thanks for sharing your story.
Her story is an inspiration to us, too! We are thankful she joined our community of resilient storytellers. We hope you take a moment to check out some of the other raw and impactful content on the site, as well.
Thank you, Diana. I appreciate that you took the time to read this and for your friendship of over 40 years! WOW. 🙂
Anika, wow! Thank you for sharing your story—it’s so beautifully written. You truly are amazing! This is something I’m going to remember when times are tough, and I’m sure others will benefit from reading your inspiring story as well. I wish you all the best.
She certainly is talented, and we appreciate her sharing her story with us! Thanks for leaving a comment. We hope you also take a few moments to check out some of the other inspiring stories.
Thank you for your comments and well wishes, Michelle. I also wish you well during the tough times 🙂
This article is a powerful testament to resilience and self-discovery. Anika, your journey through adversity reveals how imagination, determination, and reinvention are crucial tools in overcoming life’s most difficult challenges. Your honesty in acknowledging difficult moments is matched with a commitment to positive transformation. As always, you are a true inspiration and compel others to reflect on their own capacity for resilience.
It truly is a wonderful piece. Thanks so much for leaving a comment. We appreciate it and hope you take a moment to check out some of the other resilient stories on the site.
xoxox
Anika,
Thank you for sharing you! You are an inspiration to me and have touched so many people. Your vulnerability and authenticity in your story gives hope to others that may have experienced similar situations.
Thanks for taking the time to leave a reply. We couldn’t agree more! One of the reasons we created this site filled with raw and resilient stories was to give hope to people who have experienced difficult and often horrible things. We want people to know they are not alone.
Oh Amy, you’re the Best!
Ani, thank you for your inspirational life story within your beautiful writing! xox
Thanks for leaving a comment and coming to read her inspirational story on the site. We are glad she chose to share it with us. We hope you take a moment to read through some of the other resilient stories!
Thank you, Cathy! xox
Anika, your written words have again reminded me of your amazing strength and passion. As you continue your own journey, you still inspire, motivate and heal others. You are a survivor because of your own inherent ability to SEE the good – and BE the good Thank you for bravely sharing your story. Please keep writing!
Her story exemplifies strength and resilience for sure. We are honored she wrote it for us, and we also hope she continues! If you haven’t already, please check out some of the other stories too!
Kim, thank you for these heartfelt words. You mean so very much to me 🙂
I’m honored to know the beautiful soul that you are!! Thank you for sharing yourself and your desire to always help others????
We are very thankful she shared this part of her story with us! Please take a moment and check out the other stories on the site, as well.
And I am honored to know your lovely being, Ann. Thank you for reading my essay and taking the time to explore this wonderful site 🙂
I love and appreciate your writing voice. It’s so congruent to your conversational persona, I feel like I would hear those exact words come out of your mouth in a conversation. Inspiring and motivational, of course, but honest raw, real, unapologetic. Authentically You.
Thank you for sharing pieces of you and painting a picture of your journey. What it means to own your shit – your history, your lived experiences, and your way of Be-ing in this world.
One of the messages I valued the most is: staying true to what is at the core essence of one’s self; Living with authenticity. So grateful ????.
We couldn’t agree more and are honored to help Anika share her story. We hope you also have a moment to read some of the other inspirational stories on the site.
Nina, thank you so much for these generous words and the time you took (and take) to Hear me. I’m so glad you’re in my life 🙂
Wow! What an amazing story of strength and determination to LIVE despite phenomenal challenges. Thank you for sharing your intimate life journey. Absolutely inspirational.
We were honored to give her inspirational words a home on our page. We hope you take a minute to read some of the other stories on the site, too!
Thank you so much for your perspective, Linda! I’m so glad you felt inspired and that you shared that with me 🙂
Anika, what a brilliant reflection and lesson on resiliency! Truly a remarkable woman with great passion for life. Thank you for sharing such a beautifully written creation. I am duly inspired.
We are very grateful she chose to share her story of resilience with us. Thanks for reading, and we hope you take a moment to check out some of the other inspiring stories on the site!
Teri, I am honored that you felt inspired by what I had to say. It means more than you know 🙂
Anika,
thank you for sharing your life story,
It is truly inspirational!
Thank you for leaving this incredible author a comment! We hope you take a moment to check out some of the other content on the site, too.
Thank you, Mike, for taking the time to read what I’ve had to say and for leaving a comment 🙂
Anika, thank you for reminding me how impossibly resilient you are! Life can be difficult and you’ve had more than your fair share of setbacks and disappointments. However, you always find a way to come back and relish life. Keep writing because you have so much to share with others that are struggling.
We are so thankful she shared her journey with us. Thanks for coming to read her inspiring story. We hope the other stories on the site also resonate with you.
Shari, I so appreciate your feedback and your support…..now and always 🙂
Anika, thank you for sharing your powerful, candid story. It has given me a flood of emotions, from emotional to empowered. Your capacity for resilience is motivational. I look forward to reading more of your publications soon!
Thank you so much for coming to check out this beautiful story of resilience. We hope you take a moment to check out some of the others, as well.
Thank you for commenting, Diane. I’m happy to learn that what I’ve shared has reached you! 🙂
Thank you thank you Anika for this beautiful, candid and incredibly human account of your life. I think I will print this and save it for anytime I am leaning into my own personal story. Or perhaps” stuck” in my own pile without perspective. Perhaps my staying in own version of feeling sorry for myself a little too long. Your writing had me weepy and joyous all at once . And then.. your line..”and maybe, too, it’s because I think lemons, in their own right, are delicious!” just knocked me over. Yes Yes Yes. Thank you thank you thank you. I’m going to read it again. And again.
Thanks so much for coming to check out this beautiful story. We hope you enjoy the others as well!
Thank you for your reply, Nancy. I’m so glad my story resonated with you. That makes my decision to share it worth it 🙂